Daria One-Shot Collection
by Anguirus1955
Summary: These are one-shots collected from the Different Kind of Writing Challenge thread on PPMB. Please note that I have only posted the one-shots that I have written. Rating is M for some of the later stories.
1. The First Time

These are one shots and short scenes that were written in response to a writing challenge thread on PPMB. The one shots that I wrote are collected here.

1\. Jodie discusses her first time with her sister Rachel.

 **The First Time**

* * *

Jodie Landon looked across the table at her younger sister, Rachel. She had grown a lot over the years. Her hair was cut into a bob-cut, while Jodie's hair was still long, although she had it in a ponytail now. Her figure had developed as well, although she wore clothes that kept it hidden, much like a certain friend from high school that Jodie made sure to keep in touch with every other month via e-mail or phone calls, much to that girl's secret relief, not that she would ever admit to being happy that people communicated with her.

It had been months since the last time either of them had seen each other face-to-face, and Rachel had asked Jodie to meet her for something very important. Rachel moved one of her fingers across the table surface in a nervous fashion, and tried to think of a way to broach the subject with her sister.

She knew that Jodie had done it plenty of times, but Rachel was nervous. What if her first time ended up being so bad that it also ended up being her _last time_ as well? "Come on, Rachel, talk to me," Jodie said in a patient tone. Jodie wasn't like her parents at all. Where Andrew and Michelle were constantly pushing their children to the point of exhaustion and would view any hesitance as a sign that their child needed to be pushed _harder_ , Jodie understood that her sister needed time to think about things.

She knew this from experience with her parents. "Well..." Rachel began nervously. She looked up into Jodie's eyes. "I don't really want to talk to Mom and Dad about this just yet," she said guiltily. "Well, I didn't get the chance to go to them for advice when I was your age. Instead, they came to me and told me that I should do it," Jodie said to her, "But I have to admit, this is something that you should have thought about a year or so ago." "I know, but I don't want Dad to go crazy with telling me which one is the best. And let's not mention the waiting times and knowledge of the rules and stuff. I know that those are important, but I honestly think that my first time should be _my_ first time, not theirs," Rachel said.

"Jodie, do you think... maybe you could go with me for my first time instead of Mom or Dad?" Rachel asked her. "Maybe, provided that no one recognizes me," Jodie said. "Why's that?" Rachel asked her curiously.

"Well, during my first time, things went pretty well at first, but at the end, I got so excited that I nearly lost control and almost rammed the car into a building, not to mention stopping between _two_ parking spaces*," Jodie said with a smirk. "Looking back, it was actually kind of funny. You should have seen that woman's face at the end!" Jodie grinned.

"So, yours was a woman?" Rachel asked. "Yeah. My next one was a man, and the third time I had a woman again," Jodie said. "Wow. How much practice did you have before your first time?" Rachel asked her. "I had accumulated over one hundred hours over the course of three months before my first time, and then I had at least another ten hours before the second time," Jodie replied.

"Yeesh, and you did it three times before you got it right?" Rachel asked her. "Yeah, but the experience from the first two times made the third time worth it, since I succeeded the third time," Jodie said. "So, don't worry about how things go during your first time taking the test for your driver's license, okay?" Jodie said. "Just take things slow and even if Dad or Mom push you harder, tell them that you don't want to crash into a building, okay?"

Rachel chuckled. "Okay. Thanks, Jodie," she said with a smile. "Hey, what are sisters for?" Jodie asked her in return. "Well, according to your friend, Daria, sisters are for extorting money," Rachel replied. "So you overheard that conversation, did you?" Jodie asked her.

"Yep," Rachel replied. "Come on," Jodie said as she stood up, "Today is my only free day this week, so let's go have some fun together."

* * *

* This actually happened to me during my second driving test.


	2. Smorgasboard Shuffle

**Smorgasbord Shuffle**

* * *

Steve Taylor looked at the unusual concoction on his plate. He had no idea what it was, and it smelled... potentially life-threatening. Of course, he'd still rather eat this than deal with an angry hippo in Africa. He shuddered at the memory of that particular hunting trip. He looked across the table at the man who had created the meal, the father of one of his daughter's classmates.

Jake Morgendorffer, his name was. The man seemed harmless, although he clearly had some emotional problems stemming from his childhood, if his occasional rants about his father had been any indication during the past two months. Both men's daughters had gone off to college after the summer was over.

Steve smiled bitterly at the memory of seeing his daughter leave for college, knowing that he would now have to put up with Brian alone, since Ashley Amber, trophy wife though she was, was absolutely useless when it came to keeping that brat in line.

Steve had met Jake at a convention over the summer when Jake had offered his consulting services to the advertising company that Steve was an executive for. He had been intrigued when he realized that this man's daughter had gone to school with his Brittany. Although, Jake apparently had one other daughter still in school, and she would be leaving for college in another year, like her sister before her.

Steve, meanwhile, still had several years of Brian to put up with, and if the little monster's worsening behavior was any indicator, he was going to need serious help. Brian's cruelty to animals and his disrespectful attitude towards others were setting off all the worst signals to Steve, and he was desperately hoping that he could find someone willing to handle the boy and straighten him out before it was too late.

"Now, I call this dish the... um, crab and sausage pasta! See, it's got Italian sausage, meat from a crab, _and_ angel hair pasta, mixed with a fine mushroom and chili pepper-filled spaghetti sauce!" Jake said proudly. Steve hid his fear in the form of a chuckle. "I don't think anyone else could have come up with such an... _exotic_ dish," he said. _At least he didn't include peanuts and soap in this one_.

"You bet no one else would have!" Jake said with a beaming grin. "If my old man could see me now, he'd be jealous I tell you! Always telling little Jakey that he'd never amount to anything! Well guess what, Dad!? I just impressed a wealthy business man with my cooking! I impressed someone who hunts dangerous animals! What do ya' say to that, Mad Dog!?" Jake ranted.

Steve sighed before lifting his fork up to his mouth. He tentatively took a small bite out of the meal, and started to chew. _This ain't as bad as it looks_ , he thought to himself as he took another bite. "So, you like it?" Jake asked him. Steve gave him a thumbs up. Jake sat down and began eating his own plate of food.

"Angel hair... I think Brittany used to make jokes about that kind of pasta," Steve said between bites of food. "Really? Daughters, huh? You only had one though, right?" Jake asked him. "Yup. Just one, and boy if she wasn't a spitting image of her mother. Wish I could've had more," Steve said. He decided to avoid mentioning his son, on the off-chance that Jake would somehow descend into another rant about his own childhood and his hatred of his father and how the man had sent him to military school. It seemed that anything regarding fathers and sons could set the man off.

"Like what, six? Seven? If I had that many daughters, I would probably have to come up with a naming convention to keep track of them. Like... naming them after plants or spices or foods," Jake said. "What, like in that web-comic?" "Yeah! Wait, which one?" Jake asked him.

"I think it was called... Shotgun Souffle? No, Shotgun Shuffle!" Steve said. "Yeah, what were those girls' names?" "They were the Buckinghams," Steve replied. "Yeah. Let's see, there was that lazy one, that creepy one who only showed up in that Christmas arc, the slutty one who gave her son to her other sister, the one that's really young, the one who has a Santa fetish, one who has kids, and one with braided hair. Oh, and one that shares my other daughter's name, Quinn!" Jake said.

"Uh, Quinn isn't one of the Buckingham sisters. She's Ellie's roommate," Steve corrected him. "Huh, yeah. I liked the comic more when we saw Ellie and Quinn together. Like sisters!" "Uh, maybe not sisters. More like something else," Steve said with a chuckle. "So, you read it?" Jake asked Steve. "Yeah. I think it's pretty good. You?" "Sure! Although, I still don't understand how a cat can just bloat up into a bouncing ball like that. I always assumed that it was some kind of toy until I did an archive binge," Jake said.

"Hmm. Can you imagine if one of your own daughters had a... Santa fetish?" Steve asked him. "Eeww," Jake said. "Yeah... let's just forget about that," Steve said as he finished eating his food. "Yeah. Well, it was nice having you over. Shame that Helen didn't want to stay and try out my newest recipe," Jake said. "Well, some foods, like art, are an acquired taste," Steve said. "Yep. They sure are," Jake said as he shook Steve's hand.


	3. All My Memories of Now

3\. Jesse buys widow Helen a drink.

 **All My Memories of Now**

Helen walked away from the parking area and over to the front entrance of the Zon, noticing the state of decay in the building's outer layers. _This place should be condemned_ , she thought as she walked inside. _I can imagine how Jake would... just nod his head and mumble in agreement_ , Helen thought sadly as she remembered her late husband.

 _He'd been hiding all of that stress and all of his eating habits weren't helping, either. Looking back, it's no wonder he'd had another heart attack just a few months after the first_ , Helen remembered with a frown as she entered the Zon. She saw the lights and the various youths and not-youths walking around. She was almost reminded of her own youth in her hippie days, back when she and Jake had both been free and wild.

Now, though, those days were over. For her anyway. Her daughters still had their time... when Helen wasn't making them try to stay busy. She walked over to where she saw a band taking their stuff off of the stage, with Daria and Jane helping them with the equipment. One of the band members, a rather hunky-looking man with long hair, looked at Helen briefly and then turned away as she came closer.

Daria turned to look at her mother as she approached the group. "Hello, Daria," Helen said as she glanced over at Jane. "Hello, Jane," Helen said politely. "Hey, Mrs. M," Jane said as she picked up several cables from off the floor. "Hey... what's up?" Trent asked Helen as he walked over to the elder Barksdale woman. "Hello... um, Trent, right?" Helen asked. "Yeah," Trent said. "And... _Jesse_ , I think?" Helen said as she looked at the long-haired man.

Jesse gave a nod of the head and a brief smile. "So, I take it that things have pretty much wrapped up for the night?" Helen asked them. "Yeah, almost. If you'd like, you could give us a hand with the last few items as we pack 'em into The Tank," Jane said. "The... Tank?" Helen asked. She'd heard Daria use that term before, but she couldn't remember where.

"It's the van that Mystic Spiral carries all of it's gear in. You know, like a Mystery Machine for music," Jane explained. "I see," Helen said. "Alright, I'll give you a hand," she said. She went over to help Jesse grab some boxes and helped him carry them out to The Tank. "So," Helen began, "How long have you been in this... band?" "Me and Trent started Mystic Spiral a few years ago," Jesse said.

Helen had met Jesse a few times before, when he had dropped off Daria from a few other trips that Mystic Spiral had gone on over the summer. He was an attractive man, Helen wouldn't deny that, but he didn't seem like much of a conversation-holder. "So, you two must go back quite a ways," Helen said. "Yeah. Since high school," Jesse said.

Jesse looked at Helen as she helped him place a box of equipment into The Tank. _Now or never_ , he told himself. "Um, Mrs. Morgendorffer... I was wondering," Jesse said, "How often do you go out and watch bands perform?" "Huh?" _Good going, Jesse. Remember, eyes on the prize! Eyes on the prize!_

"Well, it's just... I know that things aren't easy for you lately, you know? Going out now and then, seeing a band play and getting something to drink. It can be relaxing, right?" Jesse asked her. "It can be, but I just haven't had much time for that lately," Helen replied regretfully. "I'm sorry about your husband," Jesse said.

"Thank you," Helen replied. "It's been over a year and a half now, but I'm slowly adjusting," Helen added. "Um, if it's all right with you, would it be okay if I got you something to drink? You know, as a thank you for helping us?" Jesse asked her. Helen blinked at him in surprise. "Well... I guess it wouldn't hurt," Helen said.

 _And... I've been lonely for a while now_ , Helen thought as she looked over Jesse. He was younger than her, definitely, but it wouldn't feel like she was robbing the cradle either. "After we get this stuff put away, how about we go over to that bar inside and... get something?" Helen suggested. Jesse's face seemed to brighten. "Sure," he said.

After getting The Tank filled with gear and instruments, Helen and Jesse walked over to The Zon's small bar. "Just something light. I _am_ driving my daughter and Jane back home tonight, after all," Helen said to Jesse. "Sure," he said as they went up to the bar. "Two small driver lights*," Jesse said to the bartender.

He reached for the change in his pocket. He counted the change in his pocket. Helen pulled out a few dollars and handed them to Jesse, giving him a small smile. "Thanks," Jesse said as he paid for the drinks. Helen took a small sip and began reminiscing about the times that she and Jake had gone drinking together, back when they were younger. She sighed wistfully at the memories floating through her head.

Jesse saw a small tear slide down Helen's face. "Mrs. Morgendorffer-" "Please, call me Helen," she said. "Helen, are you okay?" Jesse asked her. "I'm... I'm fine. Just remembering some things is all," she said softly before looking over at Jesse. His hair style and body did remind her of Jake back when they were younger, although he lacked her late husband's energy.

 _Maybe... for a little bit... I can just pretend that things are okay. I can just..._ _ **pretend**_ _that my heart isn't shattering into a thousand pieces from looking at someone else as an escape_ , Helen thought to herself as she took a note pad and pen out of her pocket. She jotted down two phone numbers, and an address. "Here," she said as she handed the note to Jesse. "If you're free this coming Saturday, meet me at this address between seven and eight. My phone number is the one at the top. Call me if anything comes up," Helen said with a smile as she walked away to go outside to her car.

Jesse looked at the paper. The top phone number was indeed Helen's cell number, but the other one was for a hotel, along with the hotel's address. "Yeah," he said quietly as he took another swig of his drink, "See you there."

* * *

* I just made the name up as some kind of watered-down drink that would be given to someone who plans on driving home. I was also originally going to name this Vale Deah, after the song by Trocadero, which I was listening to while writing it.


	4. The Smart And The Ass

Kevin and Mack are dating their respective girlfriends out of convenience. In the locker room, they discuss who they really want to go out with.

 **The Smart And The Ass**

"So," Michael Jordan "Mack" Mackenzie said as he looked at Kevin, "How does it feel to actually earn your title, Mr. QB?" Mack asked Kevin Thompson. "What do you mean?" Kevin asked him, baffled. He was the QB. "Nothing," Mack said. "Oh, okay. So, you going to the Senior Prom?" Kevin asked him. "Yeah," Mack said.

"Cool. Who're ya taking?" Kevin asked him. "Who do you think?" Mack asked him. "Jodie?" Kevin replied. "Bingo," Mack said. "Just like always, huh?" Kevin replied. "Yep, just... just like always," Mack said. "You don't sound that happy about it," Kevin said. Mack widened his eyes in shock. Did Kevin just make an observation based on someone's subtle body language?

"What make you say that?" Mack asked him. "You got that look on your face, like you wished you could have done something awesome, but instead had to do something not as awesome, but still neat, although you would have preferred to to the first thing instead," Kevin explained in the way that only he was capable of doing.

"All right. I'm actually... I don't how to explain it, but that spark that Jodie and I used to have; it's... it's just not there anymore. Now, I'm just kind of dating her because she's the only other black person at school," Mack said. "That isn't true. What about that Jennifer chick?" Kevin asked him. "Which one?" "Um... the black one?" Kevin asked him. "Besides," Kevin said, "Why would you date someone just because of their skin color?"

Mack stared at Kevin. _I know he's not intentionally trying to make a point, but, damn, that was insightful, even if it probably was an accident. But what if it wasn't? Is the world going to fall apart?_ "I mean, that's, like, really limiting your options and stuff, you know?" Kevin finished. _Ah, now the world makes sense again_ , Mack thought to himself.

"You know, you have a point. I guess, if I could, I would like to date someone else," Mack said. "Really, who?" Kevin asked him. "Well... you know Daria's friend, Jane?" Mack replied. "You want to go out with a brain?" Kevin asked him. "Well, Jodie's a brain, isn't she?" Mack asked him. "Oh, yeah. But she's, like, also popular too. Popular brains are, like, you know, four leaf clovers! They're really hard to find!"

"Yeah," Mack said sardonically, "I know what you mean." "So, like, have you ever gone out with Jane before?" Kevin asked him. "Well, not really, but I've talked to her a lot, and... I actually like her a bit. I think she likes me too. We even have some common interests, and she's a pretty good artist. I've seen her blush or look away whenever I've given her compliments," Mack said. "Whoa! Cool," Kevin said.

"So, you going with Brittany to the Prom?" Mack asked Kevin. "Yeah, but she's been kind of, what's the word, like not very close to me lately," Kevin said. "Distant?" Mack suggested. "Yeah, distant. I mean, you ever notice how every few months she would start getting sick in the morning, and then it would stop for the past few years?" Kevin asked. Mack nodded his head in confirmation. _He actually paid attention to that? Holy crap, I need to start re-evaluating my impression of him_.

"I mean, it's been a few months since the last time she got sick in the morning, but what if she gets sick on Prom night morning and doesn't want to go? To be honest, I'm kind of looking for someone else too," Kevin said. _And, tragically, the (un)natural order has been restored. Kevin, you stupid son of a bitch, you have no idea what Brittany's been going through whenever she got sick in the morning, do you? Or what she had to do to keep that information from getting out? When Jodie and I were there to comfort her while you were cheating on her with someone else while she was dealing with that? I've seen the cracks in her bubbly facade, Kevin. Keep this up, and she's going to break on you, and it won't be pretty when it happens. God, you make me sick sometimes_ , Mack thought to himself.

"So... who did you have in mind to take to the Prom if not Brittany?" Mack asked, keeping his thoughts to himself. "Well, I heard that Angie, one of other cheerleaders, is pretty easy, so I might go with her if Brittany doesn't feel like going. Of course, if I wanted to _date_ someone else, I would go for Jodie. I mean, I know that _you_ are going out with her, but I think that going out with a popular brain could really help my grades, you know? I keep getting this feeling that my grades won't get me into one of those really good football colleges, and I hear that you need, like, awesome grades to get into those," Kevin said.

Mack simply smiled and nodded his head. _I really wish I had a golf club or something with me right now*_ , he thought. "Well, I'll see you later, Mack Daddy," Kevin said as he walked away. Mack merely took a deep breath. _I'm not even bothered by being called Mack Daddy right now. Kevin, there are far worse things for me to be mad at you for than that_ , Mack thought as he walked away as well.

* * *

* See the episode Murder, She Snored.


	5. Odd Job Anthony

**Odd-Job Anthony**

Anthony DeMartino put his hand out to stop the youthful-looking man in front of him. "ID," he requested. The man sighed and took out his wallet before showing DeMartino his Driver's license. "Go ahead," DeMartino said.

He watched as a man clearly in his thirties walked up and he let him through. After several more stops for younger-looking people, DeMartino saw two people he recognized, at least one of whom he never expected to see at a place like the Zon. "Miss Morgendorffer? Why in the world would YOU be FREQUENTING this place?" he asked her curiously.

"Jane's brother is the lead singer of one of the bands performing here tonight. Otherwise we normally steer clear of the Zon," Daria replied. "I see. Which band?" DeMartino asked her. "Mystic Spiral," Jane replied. Anthony winced at the mention of the name. "Ah, yes. Only familial love could explain your willingness to be in the presence of that sound," DeMartino commented.

"Well, I occasionally meet cute guys here," Jane said. "Of course, their brains aren't as attractive as their faces, unfortunately," Jane said. DeMartino noticed Jane's hand clasped with Daria's. "Right. Of course," he said. "So," Daria began, "What brings you out here?"

"Well, if you must know... I am a bouncer," DeMartino replied. "Yes. But... why?" Daria asked him curiously. "Well... you see, a few months back, I had an epiphany. I realized that while I may never be able to teach Kevin Thompson without Principal Li agreeing to actually letting him take learning support classes, I could still help the youth by making sure that they aren't able to waste their potential."

"See, I know that youngsters such as yourselves frequent these places, and as such, you become exposed to alcohol and other brain-destroying drugs. Sure, a whiskey now and then won't hurt you, but you teenagers always take things to such extremes with what you do, and there's no moderation. You waste and destroy your brains in record time."

"So... you became a bouncer to keep your students from destroying themselves?" Daria asked him. "Well, that and the fact that I need more money, since that bitch Angela keeps screwing over everyone by spending the school's budget on her useless security toys, which she NEVER USES properly! Haven't you ever wondered where the money for repairs and maintenance went when we needed it the most?"

"Um... the moon?" Jane sad humorously. "I wish," DeMartino replied. "I'll tell you this right now, Daria, Jane. Miss Li has been embezzling money from the school for years, _and_ she has refused to raise the pay of the teachers. I need this job, not just for the money, but to take my mind off of the stress I deal with as well. Just... Daria, Jane, promise me that you'll never become teachers in a place where Miss Li works."

"Well..." "Please. Daria, you're one of my best students. Jane... well, you get most of your work right so... your an average student, I guess. Anyway, if you ever get the chance... turn down the chance to become a teacher, at least in Lawndale. It isn't worth it anymore," DeMartino said. "Um, how did you _get_ this job, anyway?" Jane asked him. "I stopped by here one day and noticed some youths getting into trouble. I also saw some police officers handling something across the street when I went inside, and I told them that if the police knew that minors were engaging in underage drinking, the place could get shut down," DeMartino said.

"Hmm... blackmail. I knew there was a reason I liked you," Daria said. "I told them that they needed a way to make sure there were no minors or other persons interested in causing trouble, so I offered to do this for them, and since they were hiring at the time, that didn't hurt either." "Really? You didn't get on your hands and knees and beg them for a job?" Daria asked him. DeMartino became flustered momentarily. "Uh... n-no. Of-of course not," he said defensively, shifting his eyes from side to side. Jane and Daria made to move past him.

"Whoa!" he said. "I still need to see some ID." "But you know who we are," Jane protested. "Yes, and you're minors. I cannot in good conscience allow you to go in there without legal adult supervision, and I have to remain out here. Of course, if you were to take a back entrance that I could not guard, then I would not be able to stop you, provided that I was not looking and able to intercept you either," DeMartino said specifically.

"Right. We'll just head right on home. Come on Jane. He's too much for us to handle," Daria said flatly. "Oh darn. What ever shall we do?" Jane asked in an equally flat tone. "Gee, lets head across the street and do something completely legal," Daria suggested, still using her extra-flat tone. "Wow. Good idea, Daria. I'm so lucky to be dating a girl as smart as you," Jane said in a snarky monotone before she kissed Daria and they began to walk.

DeMartino watched with a sense of amusement as the two girls slowly walked away in a dramatic fashion, although he wasn't sure if the kissing was an act or not. It wasn't really his business anyway. As long as they didn't act like Kevin and Brittany in school or let it affect their school work, then he had no problem with the two girls' relationship. Besides, he'd had his share of... curious experiences in his youth.

Although... given how close Daria and Jane seemed, DeMartino figured that this probably wasn't a curious experiment of some kind, but rather something more serious. _Eh, who gives a shit? As long as they pay attention in class, it ain't my concern._ He then watched as a young kid with a fake beard walked up to the door. "Hey, show me your ID, now," DeMartino said. The kid quickly ran away. "I also like being able to yell at people and tell them to scram," DeMartino said quietly with a grin as he leaned back against the entrance of the Zon while watching more patrons approach.

 _Ooh. More poorly disguised teens to frighten away. This'll be fun._


	6. Black Widow

Disclaimer: Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

While vacationing at their aunt Amy's house, Daria, Quinn, and Erin discover a dark family secret.

 **Black Widow**

"I'm bored," Quinn Morgendorffer said as she lied down on the couch in Amy Barksdale's living room. "Oh? I thought your name was Quinn," her cousin Erin joked. "Ha-ha," Quinn replied while rolling her eyes. Daria was currently with their aunt, doing some grocery shopping. Quinn and Erin were in their aunt's house alone.

"So... how are things in Highland?" Erin asked her cousin. "I hate it. Daria hates it too. There are these two idiots she deals with at school, and one time, I met them, and not only are they unfashionable, but they're really stupid!" Quinn replied.

"How stupid?" "Oh, please, a sack of ham would have more brains than those two," Quinn replied. "Um, Quinn, a sack of ham wouldn't have any brains at all," Erin pointed out. "I know. That's my point," Quinn replied. "Oh," Erin said.

"So... let's talk about something else," Erin said after a minute. "Hmm, oh, want to look inside that chest we saw earlier?" "Sure," Quinn eagerly replied. The two girls made their way into Amy's bedroom and opened the chest, having found the key to it stashed underneath it. "It isn't very heavy," Erin muttered curiously.

The girls lifted the lid and peered inside, seeing only a few items, although one in particular caught their attention. "It's a notebook," Quinn said. "Looks a little big for a notebook," Erin commented. "Well it's probably an old type of notebook, before people realized that small handwriting is cuter than big handwriting, so they had big notebooks," Quinn said.

She opened the book, and realized that it was a diary. "Oh, its Aunt Amy's diary," Erin said as she looked at the first entry. After reading a few entries in the diary, Erin and Quinn began to lose interest. "Hmm, kind of boring. All Amy writes about are books she wants to read and stuff," Quinn said. That changed when they found the next entry.

" _Donovan told me that he liked me today. I don't know what this feeling is, but I'm really happy about it._ "

"Aww, her first crush," Quinn said. "Let's see what's next," Erin said. There were a few more entries about Donovan.

" _Donovan's family is moving away tomorrow. I won't be able to see him again for a long time, if I ever meet up with him again at all. I'm going to miss him._ " "Aww, that's so sad," Quinn said. "Let's see who she liked next!" Erin suggested.

The next diary entry, however, was very different from the ones that came before. " _Dad died last week. I haven't been able to write anything until now. I just don't have the heart to do it. Helen and Rita are devastated, just like I am, but they knew him longer, so they have more to cry about, obviously. I just wish that they wouldn't brag about having known him longer, though. Despite how I often present myself, I do have feelings._ "

"Oh," Erin said softly. "That's... that's sad. It really is," Quinn said. "Let's see, the next entry is date at least a year later. She must have really depressed about the whole thing," Erin said as she began reading the next entry.

" _Mom brought a strange man home yesterday. He stayed the night, and I could hear her and him fooling around for a while. He was gone this morning._ "

"Well, that was... interesting," Erin said. She then read the next few entries. "They're all the same. We'll read one more and then... wait, this one's different," Erin said as she began to re-read the one she had passed over.

" _I know that Mom and her men can be loud, but something about the screams from her room last night were different than before. The screams weren't Mom's, they belonged to the man she brought over. And they weren't the kind of screams I usually hear from Mom's room, either. They were like a terrified animal. When I checked the room this morning, after Mom had left to go shopping, I couldn't find any trace of the man who was with her. Mom's car is still out front, so I guess the man took her shopping in his car._ "

"Okay. That was weird," Quinn said. She and Erin began reading the next one.

" _It happened again. Mom brought another man home last night, a week after the last one, and the screams were the same. This morning, Mom's car was still in the driveway, but the man's car was gone, and so were Mom and the man, but this time, I found something in the laundry room. There were stains on the sheets, and they weren't the stains I'd expected to find. They were red, and they had a faint coppery scent._ "

Quinn and Erin both gulped as they continued reading.

" _It's been another five weeks, and five more men. I've told Rita and Helen, but with Rita leaving soon, it'll be just me and Helen, and then Helen will leave in another year or two, and I'll be alone. I don't want to be alone with Mom anymore. She's... changed. Her smiles... they don't make me feel safe anymore. They fill me with dread and fear. My only respite is that Mom doesn't know that I've been snooping. At least... I hope she doesn't know._ "

Line Break

"So, pizza or Chinese?" Amy asked Daria as they walked through the frozen foods aisle of the grocery store. "Pizza," Daria replied simply. "We had that last night," Amy said. "It's pizza. There honestly shouldn't be a reason for not having as often as possible," Daria replied.

"True, but variety is the spice of life. If you have only pizza, then no matter how much you love it, you'll become bored after a while. Eat something different now and then, so that you can remind yourself of just why pizza is so great compared to other foods," Amy said.

"It isn't frozen lasagna. That's a good enough reason," Daria said. "All right," Amy said, "And what if you find a food that isn't pizza, but you enjoy it just as much? You won't ever make that discovery if you only eat pizza," Amy said. Daria stopped in her tracks and looked at her aunt.

Line Break

" _Mom knows. She knows that I know, and she's going to try to keep me quiet. I thought that I'd done of a good job of pretending to be oblivious for the past two years, but she's seen right through my act. I saw her holding that knife today when she smiled at me, and she made a comment about books and affairs. I didn't pick up on it until a little bit ago, but she knows. Mom knows that I've been snooping. I've already talked to Helen and Rita, but Rita's still in college. Helen's the only one who can help me. I think... crap, I hear footsteps outside, and Mom's calling my name in a sickeningly cheery tune and oh god, I don't want to die! I don't want to die! Helen, Rita, if you find this and Mom's already gotten to me but hasn't done anything to this book, I want you to know that, despite our differences, I love both of you._ "

Line Break

"Your logic... is commendable," Daria said with a smirk. "Of course it is. It's mine," Amy replied humorously. When they reached the end of the aisle, they came across a selection of knives for cutting food. Daria noticed that her aunt had stopped walking and had a strange expression on her face, especially when looking at one knife in particular.

"Amy, you can't cut pizza with that type of knife," Daria said. "No... not pizza," Amy said with an undercurrent of fear in her voice. "Aunt Amy?" Daria asked her. "Huh?" Amy replied. "Are you... okay?" Daria asked her aunt. "Mostly. I just... remembered something is all," Amy replied. "What kind of memory?" Daria asked her. "It's... not something I'd want to tell you in public... or so soon," Amy said.

"Please, just... I'll give you an outline when we get in the car," Amy said. Daria nodded.

Line Break

" _We finally got Mom help today. After what she'd tried to do to Amy, Rita wanted her in prison, but I argued against it. Mom needs help. She needs psychological help, and she won't get that in prison. Amy might think I'm being soft or crazy, and I don't blame her. We had to get her new glasses after Mom smashed her old pair. That scar on her abdomen will heal in time, but... Amy's so scared right now. I've never seen her this way. Rita completely exploded after finding out what Mom tried to do to Amy. She almost killed her. She would've succeeded if I hadn't stopped her._ "

" _Mom is being released in a few days, and one of us will have to stay with her and take care of her. Amy and Helen are scared shitless of her. I've decided that I'll be the one who stays with Mom, since I'm the oldest. I may date a lot like she does, but I don't do the things that she's done with the men that she's brought home. I'm not a murderer. I don't kill the men I sleep with just to say that I'm still loyal to my dead spouse, like Mom 's bullshit excuse for her... actions_ "

Erin and Quinn kept reading, their eyes glued to each passing entry.

" _It's my turn to keep the diary again this year. I've already given birth to Erin, and Helen just announced that she's pregnant. Helen's loyal to her husband, and he to her. They're too loyal to be put in this situation and look after Mom. If I keep men around with me too long, even with the medication in Mom's system, I'm afraid that she might lose control again. It's been a few years since the last incident, but I wont' take any chances. Not with my Erin living with me. I... I'll have to divorce Jonathan. I love him, but I don't want to see Mom get any ideas and stop taking her medication. I won't let Erin lose her father so early in life. I'll pick up the pieces of my heart slowly, if I can find them all after this is done._ "

" _Helen called this week to tell me that Jake slept with Amy. She didn't seem too upset, strangely enough. From what she told me, Amy had been having nightmares again about the incident with Mom. Helen's been too busy with work and being pregnant to help Amy, so she sent Jake to help her. I could've seen that happening from a mile away. Helen might be nice and understanding now, but she'll grow to resent it in the future. That's how we Barksdale girls are. We think nothing of something at first, and only start giving more thought and feeling to it afterward._ "

Erin clasped a hand over her mouth. Quinn looked at her cousin.

" _It's my turn this year. It happened again. It was one of Rita's boyfriends. Mom had stopped taking her medication, and she seemed fine. None of us had noticed, until we found Carl's body. We had to restrain Mom and force feed her medication to her. We're taking her back to that place tomorrow. She'll stay there until we're positive that she's had the medication in her system properly. Rita's offered to take her off my hands after she's released, and I'm grateful, but Rita's also started using Mom for her money more than usual. At first, it was just to keep Mom occupied, but now I think it's become habit forming for Rita. Maybe it's her way of coping with having to divorce Jonathan those years ago, and the affair that she had set up to justify the divorce, so that he wouldn't want to stick around. I don't know. I miss Dad, but thinking about him just makes this worse. Ironically, hearing Jake rant about his hatred for his own father makes most of us feel better, since Jake's mother clearly was never devoted enough to sleep with other men and kill them afterwards because of psychological problems._ "

" _Helen and Jake invited me to see their second daughter, Quinn, after they bring her home from the hospital. It'll be nice to take a break. Rita just took Mom home with her a few weeks ago. She'd been at the institute for ten months before she was declared safe again. I still don't trust her, and I refuse to be in the same room with her again. I will_ _ **never**_ _allow myself to be alone in the same room as that monster. She may look like my mother, and sound like her, but deep down inside, she's a monster waiting to strike. If I ever have any children... provided I'm still capable of it. I don't know. I haven't been intimate with anyone since Mom snapped and tried to kill me. Well, except one week the other year. I don't know if Helen knows, but if she does, I'm sorry. Jake did what he could to comfort me and I took it farther than I expected. I don't love him the way Helen does, and I know that he doesn't love me the way he loves her. I just hope that she won't turn out like Mom if something ever happens to him._ "

"I think... I think we need to stop," Erin said solemnly as she closed the notebook. "Should we tell Daria?" Quinn asked her. "Should you tell me what?" Daria asked as she and Amy walked in to the living room. "Girls, what are you look... oh. How far have you gotten?" Amy asked them.

"Aunt Amy..." Quinn and Erin said as they got up and hugged their aunt. "We're so sorry," Erin said. "So, you read the whole thing?" Amy asked them as she patted their backs. "Not the whole thing but... we know why Mom and Helen won't let Grandma near us without one of them present," Erin said.

Amy heard a loud retching sound as she saw Daria drop the notebook. She had apparently been reading it while she was talking with Quinn and Erin. Daria looked at her aunt with sorrow and sympathy in her eyes. "I always [hic] did read too fast," Daria said quietly.

"It's okay, girls. Grandma Barksdale isn't anywhere near us right now," Amy said with tears in her eyes. "She isn't with us. She hasn't been... for a long time."


	7. The Life and Love of the Future Lane

Daria is property of Glenn Eichler and MTV.

 **Life And Love Of The Future Lane**

Jane looked over at Quinn after she came home. Both women were sharing an apartment in Lawndale, a place that neither had expected to return to after college. Of course, if there was one part of life that Jane had learned to accept, one rule that never had any exceptions, one solid foundation to always keep in mind when things seemed crazy, it was Murphy's Law.

Murphy's Law stated that anything that can happen will happen. Most people tended to phrase it as anything can go wrong will go wrong, even though Murphy's Law did not describe only negative aspects of life, but encompassed every aspect of existence imaginable. For instance, while Jane had thought it unlikely that Quinn would ever become a successful tattoo artist, that fact that it was still possible meant that there was a chance it could happen. And happen it did.

Moving to Boston after graduating from Lawndale High a year after Jane, Quinn Morgendorffer moved in with her sister, Daria Morgendorffer. During Daria's junior year of College, and Quinn's Sophomore year of college at BFAC, the same school that Daria's closest friend, Jane Lane, was attending, Jane's brother Trent had come up to visit.

At first, Jane paid no attention to Quinn's behavior around her brother, but after a few more visits, she noticed that something was going on. She'd once walked in on Quinn having a surprisingly animated discussion with her brother about graphic art design. Trent had made a few more trips before Jane had graduated, and after she moved back home, he'd stopped.

A year later, after Quinn had graduated and moved back to Lawndale with Jane and Daria, the three of them had purchased an apartment together, with Daria having lived with her parents again for a year while gathering up the money from her job writing for the local newspaper. Jane had also gathered money from her job at Gary's Art Gallery, where the owner, true to his word years earlier, welcomed Jane back into his employment.

Living together in the same apartment also meant that when Trent came over to visit Jane, Quinn also interacted with him. She and Trent slowly started to develop an interesting rapport with one another, and after two years, they began to date. At first both Jane and Daria were shocked, as Daria, having once had a crush on Trent that disappeared after dating Tom Sloane, never took Quinn or Trent to be the other's type.

However, it was after three more years of living together that the trio almost broke apart, when Daria, who was driving home from Axl's Tattoo Parlor, was killed after a drunk driver ran a red light and slammed into Daria's car. She had been pronounced dead at the scene after the paramedics arrived. The drunk driver, a former school mate named Sandi Griffin, died a day later in the hospital from injuries sustained in the crash.

Jane had been painting a portrait of Daria, Quinn, and herself when she'd heard about the accident. She'd been hoping to give the painting to Daria as a gift, but Daria would never see it. She called off work the next day and spent the entire time in bed, crying her eyes out, along with Quinn.

On the day of the crash, Daria had been planning to tell Quinn that she had managed to get her a job at Axl's Tattoo Parlor, since she had expressed interest in expanding her skills from just paper to objects and even people. Daria had been planning to surprise Quinn the next day, but Quinn discovered the truth after Axl called her on the phone to give his condolences for what had happened to Daria.

Initially, Quinn had wanted nothing to do with the parlor. In her mind, it was because of visiting the parlor in the first place that Daria had been where she was when the accident occurred. But, after some pushing from Jane and Trent, Quinn accepted the job. After five years of working at the parlor, her name became widespread, and Axl eventually gave the parlor to Quinn after he developed an acute case of arthritis.

Now, three years after taking over the parlor, Jane saw Quinn glowing with a smile that she hadn't seen in years. "Well, you look pretty happy," Jane said as she retrieved a soda from the fridge. She handed an un-opened can to Quinn, who took it and sat down at the kitchen table. Jane noticed something a sparkle in the girl's eyes, and also a certain musk that was slightly covered by a thin veil of perfume. "So... wearing perfume tonight? What was the occasion?" Jane asked her.

Quinn turned to look at Jane with a blush and a smile. "Well? Come on, Quinn! I'm dying of anticipation over here," Jane said, waving an arm in the air while holding her soda in the other hand. "I'm not going to just stand here and take your silence," Jane said, before she walked over and sat down at the table. "Now, I'll take your silence," she said humorously.

Quinn brought her purse up onto the table and opened it. Reaching in, she grabbed hold of something and then pulled out a small black box. "Is that what I think it is?" Jane asked Quinn with wide eyes. "That depends, what do you think it is?" Quinn asked her. She had picked up _some_ of her late sister's mannerisms while living with the cynical duo, although she didn't express them anywhere _near_ the extent that Daria and Jane had been known for.

"Um... it's a box. For holding a... _ring_ ," Jane said, almost whispering the last word with awe. "That's right," Quinn said with a smile. "Trent... proposed to me," Quinn said. "I was wondering where you were going on your day off," Jane said with a smile as she sipped her soda.

"So, did he propose _before_ or _after_ you knocked him out with perfume and tied him to the bed?" Jane asked her. " **After** we made love. He's a proper gentleman, I'll have you know," Quinn said. "Oh yeah. You've _definitely_ got Trent whipped, and you aren't even married yet," Jane said with a smirk. "There used to be a time when he wouldn't wake up until after eight o'clock pm, even on weekdays," Jane said. "Well, forcing him to get a steady job to take his mind off of Mystic Spiral falling apart may have also helped in that regard," Quinn said.

"So, let me see the ring. What does it look like?" Jane asked her. Quinn took the ring out and carefully handed it to Jane. It was a rather plain ring, with nothing special engraved on it or any noticeable markings. It had a silver color to it, and it felt real enough. _Still, with Trent's income being what it is, he had to save up a_ _ **lot**_ _of money to be able to get this and still make a living_ , Jane realized.

 _And that means... in order to save up that much on his small income, he must have been saving for a while, at least a year at the least. For him to plan ahead that long... god, he really does love her, doesn't he? Damn, Quinn... even Monique didn't make Trent feel this strongly_ , Jane thought to herself. _Still, I have to have at least_ _ **some**_ _fun with Quinn before I give it back to her_ , Jane thought mischievously.

Turning the ring over in her hands, Jane looked at it and widened her eyes. "Hey, there's some kind of inscription on it," Jane said. "Really?" Quinn asked. "Yeah. Right here. One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them. One ring to bring them all and in the darkness _bind them!_ " Jane said wickedly with a laugh.

"Give me that," Quinn demanded as she snatched the ring back from Quinn. "Easy, Miss Baggins," Jane joked. "I just... Jane, this means a lot to me," Quinn said seriously. Jane quickly sobered up her act. "I know," Jane said. "Are you sure?" Quinn asked her. "Yes, I'm sure," Jane replied. "Jane... You know how things were back in high school, when I first moved here?" Quinn asked her.

"Yeah, I remember," Jane replied. "I had guys, and even a handful of girls, drooling over me, fighting over me, buying me things and taking me places to eat. They would make huge gestures and all sorts of grand drama to even get me to _look_ at them. And... I did, but I never actually gave much thought or affection to them," Quinn said.

"I just... I'll admit it; I _used_ them. I used them all for the cars and gifts, but I could never really get close enough to any of them to actually care. Even when Daria was dating Tom, and I tried dating seriously... I never actually found myself getting serious or actually looking at any of those guys and thinking, "Yeah, I could find myself spending the rest of my life with this guy.""

"The only one I ever dated for even a month straight was Jamie White, and even then, I couldn't see myself having a future with him. He was nice and he cared about me, but... I just couldn't really find anything about him that could keep me interested. He wasn't very funny, and his intelligence, at least back then, was average," Quinn continued.

"But... when I met Trent during his visit to Boston, something changed. At first it was purely physical attraction, like all the others, but unlike the others, Trent never threw himself at my feet. He didn't even realize that I was there the first two or three visits, and I'll admit, that kind of pissed me off, but it also... attracted me to him," Quinn said.

"You know... I'm pretty sure that you explained _that_ to me _and_ Daria when you started going out with him," Jane said. "Yeah, but it's still important. I had to actually get his attention and _talk_ to him to get to know anything about him. I learned about him, and I found myself slowly opening up to him while he slowly opened up to me. And when I realized I had feelings for him, I was kind of nervous. And then, I found out that he... felt the same way. We still had a long ways to go before we got to where we are now, but I think it's best that it took so long."

"Trent has never made any big gestures. He's always kept things simple. Well, most of the time, anyway. I remember this one time when he actually tried to make a fancy dinner for me, and I found him covered with some kind of olive oil... and a bowl of overcooked spaghetti. We just ordered some takeout after that, but I think that's what I like about him. In high school, when all the guys made big grand gestures... in the end it was all meaningless. They were empty platitudes that meant nothing except that they found me physically attractive. They may as well have just taken out their wangs and waved them in the air while hollering like cavemen," Quinn said.

Jane snickered at that comment, and almost found herself choking on her soda. "I'm all right," she said to Quinn. "Please... continue," Jane said with a grin.

"So, with Trent, it was never like that. I mean, he made gestures, but they were small ones, and I didn't even realize what they were half the time. And... I'll admit, it was kind of scary when I realized that I loved him. It was like, the feelings were there, but I never really acknowledged them until that first big fight, and... it was only when I realized that I wanted to patch things up that I figured out what those feelings really were," Quinn explained.

Jane continued to sip her soda, silently counting on one hand the number of times that Quinn had actually stopped for breath while talking. She was currently at finger number three.

"When Trent asked me to marry him... I couldn't remember ever feeling that happy with anyone, ever. Even though he wasn't suave or slick, at least with his words anyway, I was happy because I knew that they came from his heart," Quinn said with a tear in her eye.

"I've never been so happy in my life," Quinn said as she began to cry out of joy. "I [hic] mean it," she said. "I love him, Jane. And [hic] today, he made me the [hic] happiest woman on Earth!" Jane smiled softly at Quinn. Still, there was one little thing that she hadn't heard Quinn say, even though she could probably make an educated guess. She wanted to hear the words for herself, though.

"And... aren't you forgetting something?" Jane asked her. "Huh?" "It just occurred to me. You said that Trent proposed to you, and how you feel about it, but you haven't said anything about your response," Jane said. Quinn began wiping the tears from her eyes. "Well, do you want the NC-17 version of my response, or the censored version?" Quinn asked her.

"So... no with lots of swear words?" Jane asked with a smirk. "How about Y-E-S with lots of sweat, shouting, and a few of the best orgasms I've ever had in my life as your brother rocked my world?" Quinn replied. "I'll stick with the censored version," Jane said. "I just gave it to you," Quinn said with a smirk. "So... when's the wedding?" Jane asked her.

"We haven't set a date or anything. We were... preoccupied after I said yes," Quinn replied with a blush. "I'll bet you were. Still... congratulations... future sister-in-law," Jane said as she stood up, walked around the table, and pulled Quinn into a hug. "Thanks... sis," Quinn said. "I won't forget her, but at least... I'll have a sister again," Quinn said as she returned Jane's hug with affection.

"Yeah," Jane said softly. "Now come on, let's go get some pizza to celebrate," Jane said with a smile that Quinn returned happily.


	8. Sisters of the Soybean

Daria and Quinn find themselves working on an organic farm during the summer vacation before Daria's senior year.

 **SISTERS OF THE SOYBEAN**

Quinn walked over to Daria's room and looked at her sister as she slept. She looked at the clock on the stand next to her. Sighing, Quinn took a few steps forward and leaned over her sister's bed to look at Daria's sleeping form. "Good morning, Miss Morgendorffer. This is your wake up call; please move your butt," Quinn said, paraphrasing a quote from a movie she'd watched with her sister the other day.

Daria didn't stir, and Quinn frowned. _Now, what else did Kevin Bacon do? Oh yeah!_ Quinn smirked as she got up on Daria's bed and started jumping and hollering. "Stampede! Stampede, Daria! Get out of the way! Get out of the way!"

Daria's eyes shot open and she fell down off the bed, groaning. Quinn chuckled. Daria quickly found her glasses and put them on. She looked back up at Quinn. "You little turd," she muttered. "Haha! So, are you awake yet?" Quinn asked her. "I'll be awake as soon as you scream for me to stop shoving my foot up your ass," Daria growled as she got up and made her way to the door.

"Hey, Daria, out of curiosity, how many cows are needed for a stampede anyway? Is it, like, three or more? Is there a minimum number?" Quinn asked her. "How about I drop you in the middle of one and let you find out?" Daria asked with a tiny smirk of her own. "I was being serious, Daria," Quinn retorted. "So was I. And besides, you know that we don't work with cows on that farm. It's too small," Daria replied as she walked over to the bathroom.

"True, and dealing with smelly cows is probably _a lot_ more unpleasant than pulling plants out of the ground with the farmer's son... especially since the farmer's son is a cutie," Quinn said with a smirk.

Line Break

On the road, Daria saw the sign for the farm, declaring it about five more miles ahead. "So... about, you know... Gary," Quinn began. "What about him?" Daria asked as she kept the car on the right-hand lane. She was driving their father's blue Lexus. "I guess... it's been three weeks, and I don't want us to become hostile to each other in our attempts to get his attention, so... do we _stop_ trying to get his attention, or... I don't know, keep at it but not be serious about it anymore?" Quinn asked as she scratched her head.

Daria sighed. "I guess, we'll probably take turns making a few passes at him, but otherwise we'll just... try not to get too serious. I mean, if we're only going to be here for the duration of the summer, and we _know_ that he doesn't go to our school, we should probably not get too involved," Daria said.

"Yeah... but he's just so cute. And fashionable! I mean, have you seen the way he coordinates his pants and shirt to match his gloves? I didn't think farmers could _be_ fashionable," Quinn said in response. "Yes, Quinn," Daria said flatly. "He _does_ know how to wear gloves that keep his hands from getting covered in dirt."

"Oh come on, you're smitten too!" Quinn said playfully. "Hn," Daria grunted. "Look, I'm not smitten. I find him attractive, and his wit is pretty good, but I just... look, I'm having some difficulty dealing with my feelings regarding Jane and Tom, and I don't really need someone else added to the mix," Daria said.

"But... you _are_ attracted to him," Quinn said. "Yes. I find him attractive, and... I _do_ want to know more about him. There, are you happy?" Daria asked Quinn as she prepared to make a right turn. "I've never been happier," Quinn said. "Bull," Daria said with a smirk.

"So... what's this about Jane and Tom?" Quinn asked her sister. "Oh, just... I miss Jane. She spends so much time with Tom now, and...I miss her. She's one of the few friends that I have in Lawndale, and... she's one of the best friends I've ever had in my life," Daria said. "So... are you, I don't know, attracted to Tom too? Do you feel bad because you might be attracted to your best friend's boyfriend?" Quinn asked her.

"No, I'm... yeah, Tom and I have a lot in common, but I'm not feeling jealous of Jane because she has him," Daria replied. "Then what's the problem? I know you miss Jane, but... wait, do you feel jealous of Tom because Jane spends more time with him than with you?" Quinn asked her. "Well... I miss her. I miss eating pizza with her, talking with her, watching her paint. She's like an anchor and I... I... look the farm's just up ahead," Daria said.

Quinn looked at her sister quizzically. _She isn't jealous of Jane because she's dating Tom... she's jealous of_ _ **Tom**_ _because he's with Jane! And with the way she was just talking about her, it's almost as though... but, wouldn't that mean... I mean, she_ _ **is**_ _attracted to guys, if her poorly hidden crush on Jane's brother meant anything. So... does this mean my sister... oh. Maybe, she hasn't realized it yet. Or... maybe she does, but she's having trouble accepting it_ , Quinn thought as Daria slowed down the car as they drove up to the designated parking area.

 _Maybe... having feelings for one person but being attracted to another... doesn't fit with how she normally views things. It must be confusing for her, so maybe she's trying to go after Gary as a way of distracting herself from those feelings. Daria never has been very good at dealing with her emotions_ , Quinn thought as she looked at her older sister.

 _This means there's one way that I'm actually more mature than her, doesn't it?_ Quinn was brought back to the present when she heard a car door open and close. "Come on, Quinn, we're here," Daria said as she got out of the car. "Yay, another day of pulling soybeans and other things out of the ground," Quinn said flatly. "It was either this or a summer camp with Mr. O'Neill," Daria said.

Line Break

 _Someone, please, kill me_ , Anthony DeMartino thought to himself while Mr. O'Neill had him sing a happy song about expressing his feelings to the unhappy campers. The majority of them could see the anguish on his face and they sympathized with him.

Mr. O'Neill smiled. "All right! Who's up for another song?" O'Neill asked. DeMartino frowned and closed his eyes. _I want to die_.

Line Break

Standing up ahead at the entrance to the main facility of the farm, the girls saw the owner and his son, Malcolm and Gary Stuart, waiting for them. "Mornin' girls," Malcolm said as he walked over to them. "Guess what's on the agenda for today," Malcolm told them. "Sky-diving?" Daria asked in response. "Nope! Guess again," Malcolm said. "Soybeans?" Quinn volunteered.

"Correctomundo!" Malcolm replied. "Yay," Daria and Quinn both said flatly. "Come on, time for another day getting our hands dirty," Gary said as he started walking over to the field where the soybeans and other weeds were located. "We only got a third of them taken care of yesterday, so I'm guessing, doing the math, that we'll probably only get an eighth of them done today," Gary said with a wry smile.

Malcolm watched the trio head over to the field before walking back inside the main building. He looked at the other five people inside, sleeping on the job. He smiled sweetly at them. "Aww, how cute... **GET BACK TO WORK!** " he shouted as they got up and resumed their tasks. "Damn teenagers, always slackin' on the job," Malcolm muttered to himself.

Later, at the field...

"Come on, just get out of the-oof!" Quinn yelped as she tumbled back from pulling on a weed. "Um, you could just use the cutters I brought with me," Gary said as he helped her up off the ground. "Um, thanks," Quinn said with a blush. "Mmhm, now, how many have you gotten so far?" he asked her. "Let me count... ten," Quinn replied.

"Wow," Gary said. "That's... not a whole lot. Yeah, I'm thinking you should use the cutters for this. With luck, you might be able to take care another ten before it's time to leave," Gary said as he handed her the cutters and walked over to where Daria was working.

"How's it handling?" he asked her. Daria had dirt stains on her jeans and some soil on her cheek as she looked up at him. "I've gotten at least thirty so far," she said. "Thirty... what, exactly?" he asked her. "Weeds. That's... that's what we're out here for today, right? Pulling and cutting weeds around the soybeans?" Daria replied.

"Yes," Gary said as he looked at the cut up soybean stalks. "And, um... you _are_ making sure that you're not killing the soybean plants by accident, right?" he replied. "I don't... aw hell," she replied as she followed his gaze. "Yeah," he said slowly, "Do you want me to point out the differences in the plants for you again?"

"I... yes," Daria said in defeat. "Hey, don't feel down. Most people can't tell the difference between even a quarter of these plants without labels attached, and even then, well..." "Thanks, I guess," Daria said. "No problem. Now, let's go over the plant types again," Gary said as he knelt down beside her. He grabbed one of the soybean plants she'd cut and one of the other plants to begin his explanation.

Line Break

It was around lunch time when Quinn managed to corner her sister alone. "Daria... I have a question for you," Quinn said as she sat down beside her sister. "Okay. I _might_ have an answer," Daria replied. "Well... have you noticed how every time we've tried to get Gary's attention in the past three weeks, he hasn't noticed? I mean, he didn't even bat an eye the other day when I "accidentally" fell over and had my butt in the air," Quinn said.

"Yeah. Most guys _do_ tend to notice that sort of thing, whether you do it intentionally or not," Daria said before taking a bite out of a sandwich. "Yeah... do you think, maybe... does he _like_ girls?" Quinn asked. "How should I know?" Daria replied. "Well, it would definitely explain why he doesn't respond to either of our attempts at wooing him," Quinn said.

"Or... possibly... he already has a girlfriend," Daria said with a sigh. "That's... I hadn't thought of that," Quinn said thoughtfully. "I know. The idea that a guy might want to remain faithful to another girl even while in your presence must truly be shocking," Daria said flatly. "Well, when you put it _that way_ , I guess it would make sense," Quinn said.

"What makes sense?" asked Gary as he walked over to them with a plate of sandwiches. "Aw, you brought us food!" Quinn said happily. "Quinn, you do realize that there's a whole table full of food back inside the main building, right?" Daria asked her. "Yeah, but it tastes so much better when someone brings it to you," Quinn said.

"Hmm, and miss out on the rewarding hard work of getting it myself? I think you may be on to something there," Daria replied sarcastically. "So... what were you girls talking about?" Gary asked them. "Oh, you know... girl stuff," Quinn said. "Girl stuff? Like... oppression and a hostile work environment or... ribbons and unicorns?" Gary asked.

"Boys," Daria said, before she covered her mouth. "Oh. Anyone I know?" Gary asked them curiously. "That depends... how well do you know yourself?" Quinn asked. "Huh? Oh, you're talking about me? Did I... do something to offend you?" he asked with genuine concern.

"No, it's nothing like that," Daria replied. "Okaaay... then, what, exactly?" he asked. "Um... do you like girls?" Quinn asked him bluntly. "Yes," Gary answered honestly. "Okay, then why don't you ever notice our attempts to flatter you and get your attention?" she asked him.

"Because I already have a girlfriend," Gary replied. "Oh," Quinn said sadly. "Yeah. Her name is Marianne Suzanne. I call her Mary Sue for short," Gary said. "She's the most beautiful, smart, and wonderful girl I've ever met. She's, like, perfect in every way that I can think of," he said. Daria and Quinn both began to feel the need to throw up, not from rejection, but from the way he was talking about Mary.

"Yeah, like, her face, so pure without imperfections. Her eyes are like deep pools of beauty. Her voice is like an angel, and she's so kind to animals and everyone likes her and..." he trailed off, not noticing Daria and Quinn making an exit. "I can't believe it. I've never wanted to-to-to... _throttle_ someone so much!" Quinn exclaimed. "Even Sandi hasn't made me want to inflict as much bodily harm on her person."

"Are you talking about Gary or his girlfriend?" Daria asked. "Gary. Just hearing the way he describes Mary whatever make me sick to my stomach! And the sad part is... I was actually thinking the same things about him that he's saying about his girlfriend!" Quinn said in frustration. "You know... we really weren't being paid all that much. We could just leave, you know," Daria said.

"We _could_ , couldn't we?" Quinn asked. She and Daria looked over at the area where the car was parked, along with a motorcycle and truck belonging to some of the other people working on the farm. "It would be fun to just leave, but... we should at least tell the farmer first," Daria said. "What about Gary?" "He's why we're leaving," Daria said.

"So, what do we say to Mr. Stuart?" Quinn asked. "Nothing," Malcolm Stuart said as he walked over. "I heard both of you talking. My ears are very sharp. Now, judging from your conversation, you both somehow got caught up listening to my boy talk about his girlfriend, didn't you?" Daria and Quinn nodded their heads.

"Well... I should have expected this to happen at some point. That boy never can shut up about Mary Suzy or whatever her name is. I've had at least twelve other teens leave because they didn't want to listen to him, and honestly, I don't blame a single one of them," Malcolm said. "So, do we still get paid for the work that we did?" Quinn asked him. "Well... you'll get paid for the full days that you worked this week and, here's a forty, twenty for each of you," Malcolm said. "You'll get your checks in the mail by next week," he added.

"Um... thanks," Daria said. "No problem. At least my older son, Marty, already left for college last year. I swear, listening to _his_ girlfriend talk to the other workers about him when they were both here was just as painful. Well, what are you two doing just standing there? Get in your car and go home, before Gary comes looking for you to finish talking about his girlfriend! He won't be long. He _needs_ an audience," Malcolm said as the two sisters began walking away.

He turned around and saw one of the other workers getting ready to strangle Gary. "Damn it all," Malcolm said as he walked over and prepared to prevent another incident. "Stupid teenagers," he muttered. "It's just one type of drama after another."

Line Break

"The couch!" Quinn cried out as soon as she and Daria got in the door. "The TV. The walls. The kitchen. The floor. The stairs," Daria said flatly. "The ceiling!" Quinn exclaimed with a smirk. "Yes, we can't forget the ceiling. It might get mad at us and collapse," Daria joked.

As the two sisters walked upstairs to their rooms, Quinn made a quick stop in the bathroom. When she was finished, she walked over to Daria's room to talk to her when she heard her sister talking to Jane on the phone. "I can come over," she heard Daria say. "Well if it's so important that it can't wait, then why don't you just tell me right... say that again?" Quinn heard Daria ask.

Quinn had just entered the room when she heard Daria's voice increase in pitch. "You're **pregnant!?** " _Daria and Jane_ , Quinn thought, _one type of drama after another_.

* * *

This takes place in an AU where Daria didn't kiss Tom and he and Jane are still together.


	9. The Thompson Kids

Daria Thompson and her husband have a ranch where they raise goats. Daria invites a close friend, who isn't Jane, up to visit.

 **The Thompson Kids**

Jodie Landon looked at the e-mail on her computer screen with a raised eyebrow.

 **DariaThompson (GlassesCynic Zmail)**  
To: Jodie_Landon (QueenJodie Zmail)

-Hey, Jodie, it's bee a while, but I wanted to say hi and maybe invite you to come up and visit the ranch this week. Kevin wants to show off one of his new kids (not that kind... not yet) and since we haven't seen you in person for at least a year, I suppose it would be a special event.-

Jodie re-read the message a few times to make sure that she hadn't missed anything. While she and Daria had remained close since high school and college, Jodie had figured that Jane would always be the first person who Daria would ever invite to _anything_. The fact that Jane had not been mentioned at all in the e-mail made her curious. Jodie began typing a response e-mail and, after proof-reading it, sent it on its way.

A day later...

Daria Thompson read the e-mail from Jodie quite carefully and deliberately.

 **Jodie_Landon (QueenJodie Zmail)**  
To: DariaThompson (GlassesCynic Zmail)

-Well, before I accept your invitation, or great and sarcastic one, I must admit to a bit of curiosity in regards to why I, of all people, was chosen. Did Jane not wish to come up to see you? I'll come, don't worry, but I am also curious. I simply figured that you would ask Jane before you asked anyone else, and your previous message contained no mention of her.-

Daria sighed. "She's right," she said to herself. "Say something?" her husband asked her as he walked over behind her. "Oh, is that from Jodie?" Kevin asked her. "Mmhm," Daria replied. "So, does she not like goats?" he asked humorously. Daria shook her head. "No, she just wants to know why I didn't mention anything about Jane," Daria replied.

"Oh. Well, just tell her the truth: Remind her that Jane already lives here at the ranch _and_ that she's currently in New York for an art exhibit and won't be able to visit for at least another month," Kevin said. "That would be too easy," Daria replied. "So? It would avoid all sorts of unnecessary confusion," Kevin replied. "I guess you have a point there," Daria admitted. "Well of course. I'm not as dumb as I look," he said with a smirk.

"True. Very true," Daria said with a grin. Kevin leaned over and kissed his wife before back away to go into the kitchen. "Say, how do you feel about spaghetti and meatballs tonight?" he asked her. "Sounds good," she called to the kitchen.

When Kevin and Daria were both in high school, they were pretty much polar opposites. Daria was the smart and sarcastic cynic who consistently got good grades. Kevin Thompson was the popular jock who seemed to be dumber than a rock while almost failing to graduate without assistance. It was during the final year of high school, when Daria was dating Tom Sloane, that things began to change.

Daria had been forced to help tutor Kevin, and in the process, both of them began to learn more about each other. Brittany Taylor, Kevin's on again/off again girlfriend, finally broke up with him for good and Daria, after realizing that her relationship with Tom wasn't going anywhere, began to develop feelings for Kevin, which she furiously denied.

Daria and Tom remained amicable and friends after the breakup, and after returning to Lawndale once she finished at RAFT college, Daria had run into Kevin once again. She then learned that he'd been studying agriculture and had become fascinated with certain farm animals, Goats in particular. After three years of close friendship and dating, she and Kevin eventually got married.

After they purchased the ranch, they had invited Jane to join them. Jane eventually gave in and purchased a cottage on the ranch so that she could keep up with her work wherever she went.

Three days later...

Jodie looked at the text message she'd just received from Daria.

From: Daria

-Hubby and I just arrived back at the ranch. How far away are you?-

Jodie smirked and sent a reply message before getting back into her car and leaving the travel plaza.

Daria smiled at she read Jodie's message. Kevin was busy putting the groceries away in the fridge.

From: Jodie

-Getting ready to leave travel plaza. I will be there in an hour or two, depending on traffic. See you soon.-

Line Break

Daria looked out the window and saw Jodie's car pull into the driveway. She opened the door and walked out to greet her friend. Jodie unbuckled her seatbelt and got out of the car after she turned off the engine. She walked over and pulled Daria into a hug.

"It's so good to see you!" Jodie exclaimed while Daria hugged her back. "Same here," Daria replied. When they finally pulled away, Jodie looked at her friend. "I talked to Jane yesterday," Jodie said. "In person or through a psychic link?" Daria asked her. "A magical device called a cell phone," Jodie replied.

"Hmm, I've heard of those," Daria said in response. "Yeah. She told me the same thing that you did; she's going to be stuck there for the rest of the month," Jodie said. "Yeah. You know, she _was_ the first person I talked to since, you know, she does live in that little cottage over there," Daria said, pointing at the building only a few yards from the house. "You should have told me that in the first e-mail," Jodie said as the two women made their way over to the house.

"I thought that you would have remembered after the last time you visited, regardless of it being a year since then," Daria replied. "Well, things have been kind of busy lately. I guess it just sort of slipped my mind," Jodie said as she looked around the inside of the ranch house.

"So, where is Kevin, anyway?" Jodie asked as they entered the house. "He's outside with the goats," Daria said. "Ah. You know, I never did understand why you guys decided to raise goats of all things. I can get the ranch and all, but the goats still puzzle me," Jodie said.

"Well, I'm not really sure how to explain it either. Kevin was studying agriculture, and a side effect was that he began studying farm animals, which meant that he ended up studying goats at some point, although goats aren't exactly common farm animals," Daria said. "Hmm, so... I guess they've just kind of grown on you?" Jodie asked in response.

"That's one way of saying it. Another way is that I can have kids without the pain of giving birth or going through adoption procedures," Daria replied with a smirk. "Huh? Oh... _kids_. I get it," Jodie said. "Yeah. Kevin was the one who actually first made that joke to me. He said 'Daria, if we raise goats, then we can have kids without putting you through nine months of suffering', and, I actually laughed when I figured it out," Daria said.

"So, you decided to raise goats just because of wordplay jokes. Only you would do that," Jodie said. "Well, that's really just a bonus. The main reason is because when we're out here at the ranch, Kevin and I can get away from it all. Sure, we have to take care of goats, but we don't have to worry about noisy neighbors and other problems," Daria explained as they sat down at the kitchen table.

"I guess... being out here gives me a chance to think about things. I can have peace and quiet, and the air out here _is_ a lot cleaner. Helps with my writing," Daria said. "Mm, yeah. I bought a copy of your most recent book," Jodie said. "Of course, another reason, and Jane already knows this, is that... when Kevin and I get in the mood, we can both be pretty loud. Especially me, so being out here... I don't have to hold back and I can be as loud as I want," Daria said. Jodie had an almost scandalized look on her face.

"I see. So, what about the others; I know you keep in touch with me and Jane, but I've only spoken with you through emails and phone conversations and text messages for the past year now. Do you keep up with Mack and Tom and your sister? What about your parents?" Jodie asked her.

"I do. I talked to Mom yesterday and called Quinn when she and Stacey celebrated their one year anniversary two months ago," Daria replied with a smile. "Oh, I remember the wedding," Jodie said. "Yeah. I'm pretty sure that was the only wedding I've been to where the straight men wanted to kiss the groom," Daria added with a chuckle. "So... I still remember being more shocked when you announced your engagement with Kevin to everyone than I was at Quinn and Stacey announcing theirs, though," Jodie said.

"That's understandable. Kevin and I _were_ complete opposites in high school. When I tutored him during our senior year, though... I learned a lot about him. He wasn't stupid... he just... he had some form of either ADD or ADHD, and his parents didn't want to admit it. He was also dyslexic, which was why he had so much trouble reading and doing his homework," Daria said.

"We spent so much time together during those last two thirds of our senior year... I almost wanted to stay behind and help him out at the community college, but I'd already been accepted to RAFT, and I refused to abandon Jane or put her through hardship because of a boy again," Daria said.

"Well, at least you were able to get Mr. DeMartino to understand why Kevin was having so much trouble. Although, Miss Li refused to do anything about it. She was afraid that doing something might somehow damage the reputation of Lawndale High's football team, and thus bring shame upon the name of Llaawwndale Hiiigh," Jodie said.

At that moment, Kevin walked in the door. Jodie looked at him. He had a short trimmed beard and mustache now, along with slightly longer hair. "Hey, Jodie," Kevin said. "Wanna come meet our newest kid?" he asked her. "Sure. What's its name?" she asked as she and Daria got up from the table and followed Kevin outside.

"Well, Daria already named her Denise," Kevin said as he led them over to the goat lying next to its mother. "Aww, she's so cute," Jodie said. "Yeah. Just wait, though, in nine months, these kids will have to compete with our own for our attention," Kevin said. Jodie chuckled before she actually registered Kevin's words.

Her eyes became wide as she looked over at Daria, who was blushing. "Oh my-congratulations!" Jodie said. "Thanks," Daria said. "Have you told Jane?" Jodie asked her. "Earlier this morning," Daria said with a smile. "What about your parents, and Quinn?" Jodie asked her. "Not yet. We're going to wait about a week before telling everyone else. This way we have a little bit of time before everyone starts nagging us about how to raise the baby and what sort of diets to go on and so on and so forth," Daria replied.

"Yeah, I can see that," Jodie said. "So... have you thought of a name?" Jodie asked them. "We don't even know the gender, but we have made a short list of unisex names for the time being, just to get people off our backs once we share the news," Kevin replied with a smile. "Although, you've already started the pestering, when you decided to ask about the name," Daria said with a smirk.

"Don't worry," Jodie said with a smile and a chuckle. "I won't tell anyone about your kid for a while. And I won't blab about your pregnancy, either." Daria gave her a warm smile in return. "Thanks."


	10. National Cynic's Family Reunion

Daria and Quinn visit Jake's family for a reunion in Texas.

 **National Cynic's Family Reunion**

 _I hate Texas_ , Daria Morgendorffer thought to herself she drove the car past the state line. _I was hoping I would never come back here. And yet, half of Dad's family had to live here. At least they don't live near Highland_ , she thought in an attempt to console herself. Quinn was sitting in the front with her, while their father was sleeping in the backseat.

Helen had been forced to stay home so that she could work on her case at the office. _Lucky you, Mom_ , Daria thought bitterly. The car ride was mostly silent, although it had begun rather raucously with constant fighting over the radio. Daria and Quinn had both decided that Jake should sit in the back, so that if he went on even a single rant, he wouldn't be able to drive the car down the wrong lane or block their view of the road when he made his wild hand gestures.

Half-way through the ride, Jake had indeed gone on a rant, and after going uninterrupted for nearly an hour, he ended up crying himself to sleep. For a little while, Daria and Quinn felt both pity and relief. On one hand, their father had finally shut up. On the other hand, the rant had served as both a reminder of the emotional scarring left by his father _and_ as an indicator that they were about to encounter an entire group of people who could easily push Jake's rant button just by being near him.

"Should we stop for gas soon?" Quinn asked. Daria looked at the fuel gauge. "Yeah. There should be a gas stop a few miles up ahead, as long as that sign isn't lying," Daria replied. It was the final summer before Daria would be going off to college, and she would be spending at least a week of it not only away from Tom, whom she had broken up with but still remained on good terms with, but also Jane, who had confided in her about a very important secret, one that both girls shared.

 _And I have to spend a week in Texas, of all places, after finally coming to terms with it, just after Jane and I figure it out. Dammit_.

Line Break

"Don't touch the pie!" Vanessa Crawley said to her son, Eddie. She looked at her husband, George, who was sleeping in front of the TV. "George, wake up," Vanessa said. Her only reply was a snore. "George, we did not rent a beach-house just so that you could sit on your ass," Vanessa said. "Lazy bastard," Vanessa said. "Hey, mom, when's Uncle Jake supposed to arrive?" asked Victoria, Vanessa's daughter. "I don't know. Soon," Vanessa said.

"Well, it's just that Aunt Rose and Uncle Howard just pulled in, and-Eddie, get away from the pie!" Victoria shouted at her brother. "Damn it, Eddie! Get away from that!" Victoria added with a scolding tone. Eddie retreated back upstairs.

"Please tell me that cousin Wesley has better manners than my brother," Victoria asked her mother. "Sorry, while he has better manners, he's ten times more annoying," Vanessa said in an apologetic tone. "What about Daria and Quinn? I haven't seen them in... well, actually, I don't think I've ever met them before," Victoria said thoughtfully.

"Oh, you did. Once, anyway. It was at least twelve years ago, though," Vanessa said. "Have they met Wesley?" Victoria asked. "I don't think so. In fact, this might be only the second time that Jake has seen our other sister since our father died," Vanessa said. "Hey, Mom, what was Grandpa-" "He was an asshole. He was a complete bastard and an asshole, and he turned your uncle into a sniveling little child any chance he got. Oh, I know he was only trying to toughen Jake up to prepare him for the real world, but he did it in the worst ways possible," Vanessa explained.

"Um..." "Big boys don't cry, Jakey! Big boys don't ask for help when they're trapped under a bicycle and their one foot is caught under something else and they can't get up on their own without injuring themselves further! I can't help you, Jakey, I'm too busy drinking and cheating on your mother!" "Uh, Mom, what are you-" "Girls don't wear pants, Vanessa! Girls don't talk back, Vanessa! Girls don't play in the dirt or play with boys who they aren't related to, Vanessa! Girls aren't supposed to want to get a decent-paying job, Vanessa!"

"Mom, could you-" "Girls aren't supposed to be bread winners, Vanessa! Girls aren't allowed to ride bikes, because it'll show off their legs and underwear to all the neighborhood boys, Vanessa! Girls aren't supposed to sleep with more than one guy, Vanessa! It makes you a slut, Vanessa, even though Daddy sleeps with half a dozen different women!"

"Mom, why are you-" "No, that just means Daddy is a stud, not a philandering asshole with double-standards who's too busy being a prick to actually be a **father!** You asshole, Dad! I'm glad you're dead and I hope that you're rotting in Hell, you son of a bitch!"

Victoria slowly backed away from her mother as she ranted at the ceiling. "I hope uncle Jake isn't like this," Victoria whispered to herself. She slowly darted into the living room of the house, looking at her father, who was sleeping on the couch. She then walked over to the door and went outside, listening as the sounds of her mother's rant faded the further away she walked.

Line Break

"There, we're here," Daria said as she let out a breath and parked the car. She leaned back in her seat and looked over at her sister. "You don't think that guy from the gas station followed us, do you?" Quinn asked fearfully. "No. I'm pretty sure he got run over by that big semi-truck behind us after the third mile," Daria replied. "You sure?" Quinn asked.

"Positive. He went splat," Daria said. "Good. But, what about that bear that tried to break into the car a few miles back?" Quinn asked. "Quinn, do you want to jinx us?" Daria asked. "No, but what about those smelly hobos we ran into as well? And those bikers dressed up as clowns? You're sure that none of those lunatics followed us here?"

"Quinn, Bikers don't like the beach. The water reminds them of bathing, and bikers hate bathing, so they won't come anywhere near us," Daria replied. "Okay," Quinn said in relief.

Quinn looked up and saw a brown-haired girl staring at them while sitting on a rock. "Who's that?" Quinn asked. "Might be one of our cousins. I think. Maybe," Daria said as she opened the door and got out. "Should we wake Dad?" Quinn asked her. "No. He's still knocked out from the morphine. He won't be waking up for a little while," Daria replied.

Daria and Quinn both walked forward and looked at the girl. "Um, we're here for the Morgendorffer family reunion," Daria said. "So, you guys must be Daria and Quinn. I'm Victoria, nice to meet ya," Victoria replied as she held her hands out. "Um..., are you trying to hug us?" Quinn asked. "What? No, I'm holding out my hands for you to shake. One hand for each of you. It get's things done faster that way," Victoria said.

"Oh, okay," Quinn said as she grabbed Victoria's right hand and shook it. Daria did the same with Victoria's left hand. "By the way, you can call me Vicky for short," Victoria told them as she got up. "Well, we don't have very much luggage, so just tell us where to put it and we'll take it inside ourselves," Daria said.

"I'd wait before going inside. I asked my mom about Grandpa Morgendorffer and then she started going on about something fierce. That was about three hours ago when she started, but I checked on her an hour ago, and she was still at it," Victoria said. "I mean, I have _never_ heard Mom use half of the swear words she was using before today," Vicky said.

"Swear words? I-I like to swear," Quinn said. "What? Since when?" Daria asked. "Um, once I had a swearing contest with Stacey to see who could say the most offensive swear words they could think of. We still have competitions now and then when we're feeling high-strung. None of the other Fashion Club members know about it, though," Quinn said. "Why do I not believe you?" Daria asked her. "It's true! Here, you can call Stacey on the cell phone and ask her," Quinn said.

"Fine, what's Stacey's number?" Daria asked. After Quinn gave it to her, she called Stacey. She picked up after the second ring. " _He-hello?_ " Stacey asked. She seemed to be out of breath for some reason. "Hi, Stacey? This is Quinn's sister, Daria." " _Oh, h-hi, D-Daria. I was-oh, god! Harder, Jeffy, harder!_ " Daria's eyes widened. "Um, we'll call you later," Daria said before hanging up.

"So, what kind of swear words?" Daria asked Victoria. "Well, there was C[bleep]ker, s[bleep]-kicker, f[bleep]face, f[bleep]er, Barbara Streisand, t[bleep]t-monger, asshole, bastard, son of a bitch, son of a whore, son of a bastard, son of a [ancient mythological beast I can't spell properly], ass-licker, licker of Satan's balls..." Victoria continued making an extensive list as Daria and Quinn followed her to the house.

When they entered the house, they saw Vanessa still pacing around the kitchen, swearing up a storm. "Heart-breaking, emotionally scarring shit-stain son-of-a-bitch who shouldn't have been allowed within hundred miles the children he spawned! I hope you're suffering in hell, Dad! I hope you are! It's right where you belong! Ffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu [stops for a breath] uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu [stops for another breath] uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!" Vanessa shouted before collapsing onto the floor.

The three girls just stared at her for a few minutes, none of them moving a muscle, except for those in their faces. "Um... is she gonna be okay?" Quinn asked. "I... I don't know," Victoria replied. "Eh, huh?" asked George Crawley as he got up from the couch. "I could've swore I heard Vanessa having an or-Vanessa, are you okay?" George asked as he rushed over to his wife.

He lifted her up by the shoulders and listened to her light snoring. "Oh, she just wore herself out," he said to himself. He then looked at Daria and Quinn. "Oh, hey, you're here!" he said to them. "Yes. Here we are," Daria said flatly.

"Hello, Quinn," George said to Daria. "I'm Daria," she said. "Hello, Daria," he said to Quinn. "I'm Quinn!" Quinn whined. "Hey, Eddie," George said to Victoria. "I'm your daughter, Victoria, you moron!" Victoria snapped. "I know; I was just trying to be funny," George replied.

"Say, where's Jake?" George asked. "He's still in the car," Daria replied. "Oh. All that driving from Maryland must've worn him out, huh?" George replied. "Actually, I was the driver," Daria replied. "Oh, really? Wait... your dad doesn't... rant about his father, does he?" George asked with a hint of concern in his voice. "Unfortunately, yes, he does. We didn't want to risk him ranting while driving or being in the front seat, so we sat up front while he stayed in the back," Daria explained.

"Smart decision," George said. "Wait, Uncle Jake does the same thing as Mom?" Victoria asked with wide eyes. "Well, they did both share the same dirt-bag father," George said. "So did Aunt Rose, but she doesn't go on any rants," Victoria said. "That's because she didn't grow up around Mad Dog Morgendorffer like Jake and Vanessa did.

"Um... Aunt Rose?" Daria asked curiously. "Oh, that's right. You and Quinn have never met Aunt Rose before, have you? Well, I think that's a story that Vanessa and Jake should tell you... but then again, I'd rather not hear them rant, so maybe I should tell you, or you could go ask Aunt Rose herself. She should be upstairs in one of the guest rooms," George said.

"We... have another aunt?" Quinn asked quizzically. "Yes," George said flatly. "How come Dad and Grandma Morgendorffer never mentioned her before?" Quinn asked. "As I said a minute ago, that's really something you should talk to them about," George said.

"Well, why can't you tell us?" Quinn asked him. "Um... I guess... just go talk to Rose upstairs," George said in frustration. "Come on, Quinn," Daria said, grabbing her sister by the arm and pulling her upstairs with her. "Ow! Let go, Daria!" Quinn yelped. "It's for your own good, Quinn," Daria said.

After reaching the top of the stairs, Daria turned and made her way over to a door that was slightly ajar. Pushing it open gently, Daria looked inside and saw a woman with dark brown hair taking some things out of a travel bag and putting them on the bed. "Um, excuse, you wouldn't happen to be Aunt Rose, would you?" Daria asked her.

"Huh?" the woman asked as she turned around and looked at Daria. The woman was clearly younger than Jake and Vanessa, although by how many years Daria wasn't certain. "Um, you are..." the woman trailed off. "Daria. I'm Daria Morgendorffer, and this is my sister, Quinn," Daria said as she pulled Quinn close to her side.

"Hi," Quinn said quickly with a small wave. "Hi," the woman said. "We're Jake's daughters," Daria said. "Oh! Um, yes, I'm Rose," she replied. "So, Rose, how come we've never met you, let alone heard of you before today?" Daria asked her. "Well... I was kind of a secret that no one like to talk about," she said.

"Huh? What does _that_ mean?" Quinn asked curiously. "It means that our dear grandfather cheated on Grandma Morgendorffer," Daria said. "Oh," Quinn said. "Yeah, pretty much," Rose said. "I was born when your father turned thirteen, and my mother and I were never allowed near the Morgendorffer household after your grandmother found out about me," Rose said.

"She um... saw me as something horrible, I guess," she said. "But... you're uncontaminated by the Mad Dog hatred that Jake and Vanessa share," Daria noted. "Yes, and I suppose I consider myself rather fortunate in that regard," Rose said thoughtfully. "How did you meet with Vanessa?" Daria asked. "Vanessa had done some digging into birth records at the local hospital and tracked me down after your father was sent to military school," Rose replied.

"So, why hasn't Dad ever told us about you?" Daria asked. "I don't know if he even remembers me. We only met once before, and even then it was rather brief," Rose replied. "Why's that?" Quinn asked. Rose shrugged her shoulders. "I haven't really been able to get in touch with him since then. I did try calling your house phone in Highland last year, but I was told that no one named Morgendorffer lived there," Rose explained.

"That's because we moved two years earlier... to Lawndale, which is in Maryland," Daria explained to her. "Oh. I'll have to ask Vanessa about that later," Rose said. "So-" " _Jake! It's good to see you!_ " came the voice of George from downstairs. "Well, I guess now I get to meet my brother," Rose said. "Should we make a dramatic entrance, or just floor everybody by acting casual and then confusing them?" Daria asked.

"Huh?" Rose asked her. "Never mind. I'll take care of making sure Jake meets you," Daria said as she turned around. "Quinn, why don't you tell Aunt Rose about... um, stuff, I guess," Daria said before making her way downstairs.

"Hey, Dad?" Daria asked as she approached her father, who was talking with Uncle George and Aunt Vanessa. "Yes, Kiddo?" he asked her. "How much do you remember about Aunt Rose?" she asked him point blank. "Aunt Rose? Hmm... Rose. Sounds familiar," Jake said. "She's your sister," Daria said. "Um..." "You other sister," Daria clarified. "Oh! I think I remember hearing about her once," Jake said.

Daria sighed. "Come on down, Rose," Daria said. Rose quickly made her way down the stairs and stopped at the bottom before looking at Jake and Vanessa. "Hi, Jake," Rose said. "Hi... uh, Rose," Jake said hesitantly.

Line Break

"And that was when we found the spare tire right where it was supposed to be, but did Vanessa listen to me? No, of course not," George said. Daria sat on the couch, reading a book she'd found in a cupboard. It was the novelization of the movie Ghostbusters. Quinn, meanwhile, was talking to Victoria while Eddie and Wesley were in the kitchen, where Vanessa was busy trying to make sure that there would still be food to eat at supper.

Howard Barnes, Rose's husband, was sitting on the couch, listening to the other two men talk as well. Daria hadn't seen him when she and Quinn first arrived at the beach house, but apparently he had been getting some things out of his van at the time. He had only entered the house after Jake and Rose had greeted each other.

Daria looked up from her book when she felt someone tap her on the left shoulder. She turned her head and saw her cousin Wesley. "Hi, What'cha reading?" he asked. "A book," Daria replied. "Neat what is it?" Wesley asked her. "It's a medium used for storing information and entertainment," Daria replied flatly.

"No, I mean what's the book that you're reading?" Wesley asked her. "The novelization of Ghostbusters," Daria replied. "Oh cool! I just got the movie on DVD last year. I had it on VHS but that tape was old and worn. I think I watched it at least a hundred times," Wesley said energetically. "That's... interesting," Daria said. "I know, right? Awesome movie, by the way," he replied.

"Yes. I've seen it," Daria said, wishing that Wesley would leave her alone. "Hey, why don't you go talk to Quinn? She loves Ghostbusters," Daria lied. "Cool!" Wesley said as he rushed over and interrupted the conversation that Quinn and Victoria were having. Daria sighed in relief and then resumed reading.

Fifteen minutes later, she heard Quinn finally lose her cool. "Oh, shut up, Wesley!" Quinn exclaimed in anger. "What did you do now?" Rose asked as she exited the bathroom. "I was just talking to her about Ghostbusters and how cool it was that we both liked the movie and how my favorite scenes were the parts where-" "Shut up, Wesley," Rose said.

Line Break

At the table, after everyone had sat down for Dinner, Daria was quietly eating what looked like spaghetti and meatballs. "Wow, normal food," Quinn commented as she twirled some spaghetti on her fork before eating it. "You know, this could be better if it had some extra ingredients! I've actually done some cooking at home, using recipes from when I was in military school," Jake said.

"Dad, this isn't military school. This is a family reunion where we are eating food that won't kill us," Daria said. "I should've brought my pasta ala-" "No, Dad. No," Daria said. There was a brief silence before Rose spoke up. "So... Jake. You went to military school?" Rose asked him with a hint of curiosity. Daria and Quinn both blanched at the realization of what was about to occur, but there was no way to warn Rose.

"Yup! I sure did," Jake said through gritted teeth. "My old man sent me there after I stepped on his glasses by accident. Or was it after I asked to be allowed to join the scouts? Either way, he got rid of me!" Jake continued. Howard raised an eyebrow, while George sighed and muttered something under his breath.

"At least you got to get away from him," Vanessa said, joining in. "I was stuck at home, working at that stupid market in order to save up enough money for a car so that I could finally leave home for good," she added. "What about college?" Jake asked her. "I didn't get to go. Dad didn't think that women needed to get a higher education than high school, the bastard!"

Rose raised an eyebrow. Daria and Quinn slowly scooted their chairs away from the table, while Eddie kept darting his eyes back and forth between Jake and Vanessa. Wesley tilted his head in curiosity, as he had never heard anything about his maternal grandfather before.

Victoria simply excused herself to go to the bathroom as Jake and Vanessa continued their tirade against the late Mad Dog Morgendorffer. "He _never_ helped me with _anything!_ " Jake exclaimed. "And he was always cheating on Mom!" Vanessa said angrily. Rose blanched slightly at her words. "Wait, how do you know he cheated on Mom?" Jake asked Vanessa curiously. "Rose," Vanessa said.

"Um, Honey, maybe we should talk about something else," George suggested, sending an apologetic look toward Rose. "Well it's no wonder Mom never mentioned her to me whenever she talked about us," Jake said. "Dad, I think we should find a different topic of disc-" "How many other siblings do we not know about?" Jake asked Vanessa.

"I checked the birth records at the hospital. Rose is the only one," Vanessa said. "Um, what's Grandma Morgen-" "Shut up, Wesley!" Jake and Vanessa both said to him. "Hey, don't talk to him like that! He was just asking a question," Rose said. "Yeah, I was just-" "Shut up, Wesley," Rose said. Wesley gulped and went back to eating his food.

The rest of the dinner passed without incident, until, as George was bringing out a pie for dessert, Jake saw something out of the corner of his eye, outside the window. His eyes became ablaze with anger. Vanessa saw his face contort with rage and she was about to ask him what was wrong when she saw the source of his fury. At the same time, both of them shouted, "Squirreellllllllllllllll!" Everyone turned their heads to look at the two siblings as they jumped up from the table and rushed out of the dining room, heading out the front door to chase the evil squirrel away.

"What is it with this family and _squirrels!?_ " Quinn asked in confusion. "Well, I don't think Rose here has ever- um, Rose?" Howard asked as he saw that her seat was empty. Then they all heard the front door open and shut. "Damn it all," George said in frustration and defeat. "Um, why would there be squirrels at the beach?" Wesley asked.

"We're just outside a suburb, and there's a forest near there, so it's not too odd to think-" " _He went that way! Get him! Get him!_ " Vanessa shouted from outside. "I thought that she'd gotten over that," George said tiredly. "Apparently, I was wrong," he added. "I've never seen Rose act like this before," Howard said, confused. "Do all Morgendorffers act like this?" he asked. "Um, we don't," Daria said.

"It's strange, but I figured that since Rose had never grown up around Mad Dog, she wouldn't have any of the same trauma that her siblings experienced," Howard said thoughtfully. "I guess you were wrong too," George said. "Yup," said Howard. "Yup," said George. "Mmhm," said Quinn. "Yup," said Daria.

"So, who wants pie?" asked George. "Sure," said everyone who was still at the table. Victoria grabbed the slicing knife and began to cut out slices for everyone. " _I got him! I got him!_ "

Three Days later...

Helen Morgendorffer looked out the window as Jake's car pulled up to the drive way. Jane Lane, who was sitting at the kitchen table, anticipating Daria's return, got up and walked over to the door when Helen announced their return. Jane grabbed the door handle and opened it, revealing a haggard looking Daria and Quinn. Quinn had bags under her eyes, and no makeup to speak of, showing off her freckles.

"Whoa. What happened to you guys?" Jane asked. "Family reunion," Daria said in a tired and exhausted tone. "I would like... to sit down, please," Daria requested as Jane helped her over to the couch. "Thank you," Daria said.

"So, what happened?" Jane asked. Helen had gone outside to get Jake out of the car. "Bikers... traffic... squirrels," Quinn said. Jane raised an eyebrow. "We have an Aunt Rose," Daria said. "She didn't grow up around Mad Dog, but she's every bit as unstable as Dad and Aunt Vanessa," Quinn added. "She may have been acting that way to get closer to them, I hope," Daria said.

"Oh yeah, you mentioned that before we left," Quinn said, very tired. "Jane?" Daria asked her best friend. "Yeah?" she replied. "Don't ever go to Texas. Ever. And Jane?" "Yeah?" "Will you carry me to my bed?" Jane sighed. "Sure, Daria. Do you want me to stay the night?" Jane asked her. "Do you snore?" Daria asked her. "Non-stop," Jane said with a smirk.

Quinn looked over at Daria and Jane. "At least we didn't say anything about _that_ while we were down there," she quipped. " _Jake, why are you holding a squirrel!?_ " Helen screamed from outside. Daria and Quinn shared a smirk, while Jane simply shrugged her shoulders.

FIN.


	11. Look Into My Eyes

**Look Into My Eyes**

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 **Note:** This story came from the Scenes No Daria Fanfic Should Ever Have Thread on PPMB.

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Quinn Morgendorffer walked into the bathroom and shut the door. "Oh, what did I eat?" she asked painfully as she sat down on the toilet. Ten minutes later, she flushed and washed her hands before pulling her pants back up. "Never again. I am never trying anything that Dad makes ever again," she said to herself, before something caught her eye.

She looked at herself in the mirror and saw something peculiar on her face. "What the? These are Daria's," she said as she reached a hand up to touch the glasses. She took off the glasses and held them in her hands as she looked down, before pushing a hand up to keep her glasses from sliding off. _Wait, what? I'm still holding them in my hands!_ Quinn quickly looked up into the mirror above the sink again, and saw that an identical pair of glasses were on her face.

She tilted her head in confusion, much like a dog, and pulled the glasses off, only for another pair of glasses to be in place underneath. She repeated this process seven more times. "What the hell is going on!?" she screamed in confusion. She grabbed her cheeks in an attempt to pinch herself awake, hoping that perhaps this was just a bizarre dream. However, she soon pulled her flesh away from her face. She grabbed more flesh away, with blood falling into the sink. When she was done, she had the face of her sister, although her hair was still its normal color.

The bathroom door soon opened and Daria walked in. "Quinn, I need to talk to you about something," Daria said. Quinn looked over at her sister, and saw the face of that goth girl, Andrea, although she still had her normal hair. "Daria? What's going on?" Quinn asked, terrified. Soon, Helen and Jake walked over to the bathroom. "Girls! Girls! I need you to taste my newest salsa recipe!" Jake exclaimed. He had the face of a baboon, and Helen's face was a large clock.

"Hey, can I try some?" asked the voice of Jane. Daria looked over to the shower, where the faucet had transformed into Jane's head. "Salsa! Feisty!" Daria and Quinn both looked down at the sink to see Upchuck's face replacing that faucet, and Kevin and Brittany's heads had replaced the knobs. "Daria, why is this happening!?" Quinn cried out in fear and confusion.

"I-I gotta get outta here!" Quinn cried. "I gotta get outta here! I gotta get outta here!" Daria marched over and slapped her face. "Get a hold of yourself, you're gonna be okay!" Daria said as she shook her sister. Helen pushed Daria out of the way and grabbed Quinn by the shoulders. "Get ahold of yourself, it's gonna be okay!" she said before slapping Quinn twice. Then Jake took over, slapping Quinn three times. Then Stacy walked in and shook Quinn before slapping her four times. After Stacy, Sandi walked in and slapped her five times, and Tiffany shook her very slowly, and slapped her six times very slowly. Daria walked out into the hallway and saw a line that stretched out of the house and across the street as people waited for their turn to make Quinn get a grip.

Daria raised an eyebrow in thought. "Hmm, this could take a while," she said to herself. "Oh well," she said with a shrug, before she went downstairs and turned on the TV, watching Beavis and Butthead Do America.

* * *

I'm a sick bastard, aren't I?


End file.
